| My favorite QAF quotes |
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Brian: I'm Superman. I'll show you the world.
Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane?
Emmett: What if some hot, hungry queen tries to have his way with him?
Brian: I thought you all ready did.
Melanie: So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.
Brian: Fuck. I have a baby.
Justin (off screen): Ow!
Brian: Two babies.
Michael: It's disgusting. All those lesbians fawning over him and making goo-goo talk.
Brian: That's what women do over babies.
Michael: Who's talking about the baby? I mean Justin.
Lindsay: Don't expect too much from him, okay?
Justin: What's too much?
Lindsay: Anything at all.
Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll quit stalking me.
Justin: Don't flatter yourself.
Melanie: We like Justin. Justin can stay.
Brian: Well, how do you think listening to the sound of two dykes go down on each other for the last nine months has affected him? Christ, he'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason why he needs his dad.
Brian: I got something for Gus.
Melanie: That's so sweet! We'll call Michael later to thank him.
Brian: How old are you really?
Justin: 20...19...18...
Brian: Well, what is this? A missile launch?
Justin: 17
Melanie: Careful! Don't drop him!
Brian: That's just what I was planning on doing.
Brian: I could end it all right now.
Michael: Oh, that'd be dramatic. Like ER - birth and death in the same episode.
Brian: Now you tell me? You mean I could have been straight this whole time?
Lindsay: I wouldn't say that.
Brian: Jesus Christ! What the hell happened...? Don't tell me...I was doing hand stands.
Justin: And juggling. You're not very good.
Brian: I know what happened. I was there. I remember everything. Perfectly...What was your name again?
Justin: Justin.
Brian: Yeah, right.
Lindsay: Bri? It's Linds. Did I wake you? Good.
Brian: That's a stunning watch you're wearing.
Emmett: I'm not wearing a watch.
Brian: Wow, Emmett! You're really observant.
Emmett: I suppose I do owe my fame, such as it is, and my fortune, such as it...isn't, to you.
Ted: Who did this?
Emmett: Some demented queen with no taste.
Michael: Nice job, Ma.
Brian: We all have our ways of celebrating. Some people take it to the streets...
Ted: Some people take it to the sheets.
Justin: You're just grumpy cause you had to look after Gus all day and no one hit on you.
Brian: Plenty of people hit on me. Unfortunately, they all happened to be lesbians wanting my sperm.
Michael: I never knew my father. He was killed in Vietnam two weeks after I was born, but somehow we managed to survive. I dropped out of community college and I went to work at the Big Q-Mart. That's when my Uncle Vic came to live with us. He's dying of AIDS...
videographer : Thanks for sharing, but you're looking for a date. Not a therapist.
Michael: The next guy that walks through that door is the man I'm going to live with for the rest of my life.
Emmett (enters diner): Oh, Michael, there you are!
Justin: Not going to the hetero hop with a bunch of beer chugging breeders.
Emmett: Excuse me? You expect me to get into a car with a total stranger and drive off to God knows where? I'm sorry, but my mother taught me better.
Debbie: Don't look at me. I'm not his mother.
Emmett: Most of those guys don't even use their own photo. Or else they took it like thirty years ago.
Michael: Don't be so cynical.
Emmett: Don't be surprised when he shows up at the door and turns out to be some old geezer.
Michael: Look, just cause you had a bad experience doesn't mean that everyone's out to get whatever they want by whatever means they can. There's still some honest people in the world (opens door and closes it) You're right. They all lie. There's like this 300 year old guy in a red cardigan.
Emmett: Believe that one's for me.
Brian: Welcome to Fantasy Island.
Emmett:Oh, I wish they'd bring that back.
Brian: Fuck groups.
Lindsay: I thought you did.
Brian: Occasionally...but it's by invitation only.
Emmett: I think they should be filed according to super hero fashion sense. Super heroes with taste, super heroes who clash...
Vic: Let's hope they never let you near the Library of Congress.
Brian: I'm impressed, Mikey. Next you'll be receiving your honorary doctorate.
Michael: I don't think so. Especially since the closest I've ever come to higher education was when I fucked that text book salesman from Cleveland.
Debbie: You're an angel.
David: No, I'm a chiropractor.
Melanie: I like doing probono work. Reminds me I have a heart.
Vic: AMC has a Joan Crawford festival all week.
Debbie: No one's that gay.
Michael: What's wrong with here?
Brian: I've had everyone in here.
Justin: I'm not a child. I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, and get married, and join the army.
Emmett: Hopefully not on the same day.
Justin: Bedrest is an important part of every recovery.
Ted: Thank you, Doogie Howser.
Ted: I could fix you up with my sister... Only, she looks like me in a dress.
Debbie: Hi, honey! What are you doing here?
Michael: Uncle Vic asked me to bring some rope to tie you down.
Debbie: Kinky.
Emmett: It's pathetic. My screen name has more fun than I do.
Brian: What are you doing?
Justin: Giving my friend Daphne a tour of your house.
Brian: This isn't the White House. George Washington hasn't slept here.
Justin: He's the only guy who hasn't.
Melanie: What are you? Mr. Teflon? Shit just never sticks to you.
Emmett: I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me - have you noticed that the world's getting weirder?
Brian: Are you coming or going? Or coming, and then going? Or coming and staying?
Michael: Tell me you didn't fuck Santa?
Brian: Not even I would do that. His elf. What he lacked in feet, he made up in inches.
Michael: These days it takes a lot of guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners.
Lindsay: Who would have thought? You and me - parents?
Brian: It's pretty scary, boys and girls. Think it's too late to return it?
Lindsay: We could try.
Brian: I want it to be you.
Michael: What?
Brian: I want it to be you. I'll put it in writing.
Michael: I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug...
Brian: And you pull mine
Michael: It was never that big.
Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael: I haven't seen Gone with the Wind in a long time either, but I still know it's
three and a half hours.
Justin: Fortunately, I have youth on my side. I can stay up all night
fucking and still score a 1500 on my SATs.
Justin: You drink too much coffee.
Brian: This isn't coffee, it's latte.
Justin: It's just coffee that cost five bucks.
Michael: You're tweeked. What are you on?
Brian: E, K, GHB...Most of the letters on Sesame Street.
Brian: You know, that's just what I need. To be at a dance with a bunch of
fucking eighteen-year-olds.
Justin: I thought you liked fucking eighteen-year-olds?
Emmett: Oh, my God! That guy looks just like Matthew McConaughey
Maybe he smokes pot...naked...Excuse me.
Emmett: I gave you the best minutes of my life.
Ted: You're gonna play dumb.
Emmett: I can do that.
Brian: If I don't get on that plane, I'm going to be collecting unemployment
in my fucking Fall Armani Collection.
Emmett: There must be something I can do!
Brian: Boil water.
Melanie: He's not pregnant.
Brian: I want coffee.
Brian: You're too young to settle down.
Justin: You're too old to fuck around.
Vic: Since when does our mailman play professional baseball?
Debbie: Shows you what straight guys know.
Emmett: A straight kiss at Woody's. That's got to be a first.
Brian: You don't really want me there, do you? I'd have to be chemically dependent just to show up. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored, not to mention better looking than the brides. I'll offend all the dykes. I'll heckle the ceremony, table dance at the reception, and inevitably fuck ever good looking guy, gay, straight, or undecided in the place. Finally, I'll pass out naked, bitching about the cheap booze. You'll lose your dignity, your friends, and your shirts paying for the damages. Hell, I'm doing you a favor getting out of town.
Ben: Does he always kiss you like that?
Michael: About 4 times a year. Usually, when he's really drunk or wants me to shut-up.
Michael: What woman looks like that? Big red wig, tons of jewelry, and gaudy clothes...(Ted and Emmett look at him) My mother does not look like that!
Brian: I can't believe Deb dated a drag queen. How'd they tell each other apart?
Emmett: At least now we know who taught her to do her hair.
Brian: You realize this officially makes your mother the biggest fag hag of all time. First Vic, and then you, and now her highschool sweetheart.
Melanie: I told you. He's a total heterophobe.
Justin: It's true. He is.
Brian: It's true. I am.
Debbie: Trust me, I know chins. I have several of them.
Brian: You don't know for sure.
Michael: That my mother lied to me? That my father's not a war hero? He's Judy Garland!
Brian: Would you prefer Bette Davis?
Emmett: What happened to the fiddler?
Michael : He fell off the roof.